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I've started a new blog to focus more on my grief and life following Dolce passing away.  If you would like to continue to read my entries, please follow me to: crazydogladysierra.blogspot.com

And please continue to share Dolce's blog, story and photos.  I want his life to really make an impact all over.  I want people to realize the opportunity that come out of imperfections and love.

Loving Dolce

Following Dolce's passing I've been having a really hard time.  I've felt like there are so many unanswered questions that if left unanswered would always eat at me, leave me wondering and prevent me from ever feeling like I could move on.

About a week before Dolce passed (July 2nd) I was getting ready for bed and placed Dolce up on the bed, since he was never able to jump onto the bed on his own.  I had had a bit of a difficult day that day and was focused on my phone and Facebook as I sat down on the bed.  I was typing away on my phone screen and when I looked up I saw Dolce sitting so politely next to me with a look of such serenity and love on his face.  I took one look at his face and he had my attention, but first I took my phone and and snapped a photo because for some reason I knew that I would always want to remember that moment and the look of serenity, devotion and love on his face.  But more than that, I wanted to remember how Dolce and I could look deep into each others eyes and have a silent conversation.  It was like we could look at each other and see each other's soul.

After I took this photo of Dolce I leaned back against my pillow and he stepped forward and laid down on my chest and continued to stare at me.  In that moment I immediately felt like we were having a conversation, he was telling me he would be leaving soon but that it would be okay and I would be okay.  I remember sitting there rubbing his little bony body and being scared but also at peace.  In that moment I was entirely consumed with my love for Dolce and I kept telling him that I loved him and that he was so special to me.  For the rest of my life, this photo will bring both total peace and love but also heartbreak.  I love Dolce to a degree that I cannot ever put into words, our language does not have the words appropriate for describing our bond.

Following Dolce's death I have been miserable.  I've been selfishly wallowing in pity for myself.  I've been sobbing and heartbroken because I was not ready and I needed more time with him.  I took a walk the day after he passed, mostly because Brett suggested I get out of the house, and really thought heavily about Dolce.  During my walk I had one of my typical conversations with Dolce, except he wasn't there and it was all taking place in my head.  I kept saying, "I wasn't ready.  I needed more time.  We needed more time."  And without hesitation I knew his response.  "You would never have been ready.  I was ready.  I didn't need more time.  I was done."  And I knew it was true, but also I didn't want to hear it.

After my walk I knew I needed to talk to an animal communicator.  I knew I just needed answers.  I found a fairly well known animal communicator online and we scheduled an over the phone consultation for the next day.  Prior to the call I gave her a pretty detailed description of Dolce, as far as his time in the shelter and injuries, Denise and I working to raise money for him, Mindi and La Dolce Vita pulling him from the shelter and his time at California Animal Hospital with Dr. Adams.  I also told her about Brett and I fostering Dolce and eventually adopting him.  I also included details about his heart disease.

Here are the questions I asked of Dolce with the answers:

Q. How old was Dolce? 

A. Although he looked like he could have been older he was only 13.  He said years of neglect left him in the state that he was in.  He said he felt more like he was 25. 

Q. Where he was before we had him? Was he a breeder dog?

A. It sounds like Dolce was in a true dog hell, a puppy mill, but he never said that he was used for breeding.  He was living in cages with numerous other dogs.  All of the cages were stacked and it was horribly dirty and smelled terrible.  The way this place was described was like a dark, awful place that killed dogs spirits.  He said eventually all of the cages were gone and most of the dogs left.  He didn't know why this happened or where most of the dogs went.  But he thinks that the caretakers thought it was requiring too much effort to put food and water into each individual cage.  Eventually they just poured food into 4 separate bowls and the dogs that were still around ate whatever they could get.  He mentioned that in his early years he tried to be optimistic, but eventually he just accepted that this was how life would be for him and he became numb.  

Q. What happened to his jaw?  

A. He was always inside the house, never outside and when he lifted his leg to pee a man kicked him in the face with his boot.  He said it was very painful.  This didn't seem to be a topic that he wanted to discuss.  He shared that he didn't mean to hurt me or make me feel sad, but that I had asked the question and he wanted to give me an answer.

Q. Was he happy with us?  

Before I give his answer I just want to point out that in my grief over Dolce I have been second guessing every choice I've made.  I know it sounds silly, but I worry that I wasn't enough for him.

A. He laughed at this question.  He said he was SO HAPPY!  He said that I didn't just love him I LOVED him.  He felt like when I looked at him he was the center of my universe.  And we didn't just heal his injuries, we healed his soul.  We provided him with the polar opposite of what he had experienced before.  He even said that in the place he is at now, he brags about me, tells them how amazing I am. 

Q. Did he feel like we did everything we could and like he had everything he needed?  

A. Oh yes!  He got more than what he needed.  We gave him more than any dog could have wanted or needed.  He said that not only did we love him, we respected him and made him a member of our family.  

Q. Did he know he was going to pass away this week?  
A. No.  He didn't know ahead of time.  He thought he was just going to the vet to be taken care of and then coming back home.  But when he passed it felt so natural and so easy.  He tried to come back into his body but it was too hard.


Q. Will he visit me?  How will I know if he does?
A. He is new to visiting someone, but he wants to.  He said I would know he was visiting when I hear footsteps similar to him (which I do have to say, Dolce had distinct footsteps), and when I feel slight pressure on the bed, like he's on the bed with us.  


Q. If reincarnation is real will Dolce come back to us?
A. There are numerous other souls (of dogs) in line to be with Brett and I and Dolce wanted to be respectful of that, he didn't want to push to the front of the line unless that was something I was clear that I wanted.  (I of course yes I absolutely want that more than anything).  And so we were told that Dolce would take care of the process and that we would have him again sometime within a year.  We would probably not know it was him at first, but we would know it was a dog that we couldn't part with.  And over time it would become clear to us that it was him again.


Brett and I felt better after this consultation.  But we also felt like it was so general it could have applied to anyone.  Also, something about the consultation didn't feel entirely like Dolce to me.  I felt better that night, but the next morning was back to sobbing.  I still didn't feel better.  So I booked an appointment with Sandy Smith, a psychic, medium, healer and animal communicator.  And I have to say for me, she was absolutely the REAL DEAL.  


Yesterday I went to Sandy's home and have a mind blowing experience.  First off, I gave her no information on Dolce other than him passing away on Tuesday and when she asked his age I told her we didn't know his age but that our vet assumed he was in his teens.  Other than that I provided her with 4 photos of Dolce, which are below.

She immediately knew that Dolce died from a heart attack.  She knew that his heart was weak and he was sick.  (I did not give her any of this information beforehand.) She also knew that his jaw was injured and that the right side bothered him more. (The right side was less stable because it was held together with a wire.  Last fall we wanted to replace the wire with a pin but his heart was not strong enough to go through the surgery.)  I told Sandy that we didn't know anything about his past, how his jaw was injured and where he came from.  She told me that he had fathered some liters but that he was not a true puppy mill breeder dog...which made sense since he had been neutered before we got him.  She said he lived mostly outdoors, was severely neglected, malnourished and very abused.  She said his abuser was an alcoholic male and that over time Dolce just became numb to life and his abuse, as a way to cope.  She also said that it took him about 8 months of living with Brett and I before he really felt and was able to love.  The interesting thing about that statement was that if you look at my post from Aug. 2011, I mentioned that he was finally becoming a little mammas boy and becoming loving.  Also, if you look at posts prior to Aug 2011 I wrote about how it seemed like Dolce was happy and liked living with us but he was not affectionate.  Sandy really understood Dolce and she understood our bond.  She mentioned that Dolce and I had been together in a previous life and that he had been a bigger retriever breed, maybe a chocolate lab in that life.  She said that in that life he had been always by my side and acted as a protector or guardian to me.  And that in this current life our roles had changed and it was my turn to protect him.  I told Sandy how I felt like I had failed Dolce because my greatest fear was that he would die at the vets office.  I always had it planned in my head that Dolce would deteriorate in a couple years and we would eventually come to the realization that we would have to put him down.  I had it planned that we would find a vet to administer life ending drugs at home surrounded by his family in his home.  Sandy cut me off and told me Dolce would have never have allowed that.  She said he knew it was the end and he knew that I would never be ready.  He knew that the it would be too hard for me and that it would kill me.  She said him passing the way he did was done by choice by him, it was his way of protecting me.  And interestingly enough, out of the 4 photos that I brought she gravitated to the photo of Dolce I took 1 week prior to his death.  She thought the photo was so beautiful and said I should really frame that one.  Usually when people fall in love with Dolce through a photo its the one I took with my nice Canon camera, with him standing on the wood floor.  I told her the story of how I felt like Dolce had tried to prepare me that night and that I took that photo as a way to remember that moment forever.  She agreed that the photo really said a lot and he was communicating with me that night.  Also funny for anyone that knew Dolce, when he first appeared to her, he showed himself with a big smile on his face but as a much larger dog.  Sandy was surprised to see his photos because he was much smaller than he showed himself to be.  All in all, Sandy really knew Dolce well.  She described his personality, she knew how he preferred to be a bit of a loner and understood his bond with Brownie.  I gave her no information on Brownie and she said that Dolce gravitated to Brownie because she is a healer and because of her nurturing and gentle spirit.  So very true!  I asked her about reincarnation and whether Dolce would come back to Brett and I.  She said no.  It didn't seem like he would be coming back at all.

Finally, at the end of our talk she wanted to do some healing on me to help me move on to a better frame of mind and to ease my grief.  She began placing her hands on my head and moving down taking time to cleanse each of the 7 chakras.  When she got to my chest I felt intense pressure, not painful, but extreme pressure like I couldn't breath, but breathing didn't seem difficult...hard to explain.  I didn't say anything as her right hand sat on my chest and her left on my back.  And she said to me, "you feel that don't you." Which I responded yes, I do.  She paused and said, "I wasn't going to say anything but that's Dolce."  The moment she said that my chest began heaving.  It was a mixture of me feeling overwhelmed and near tears but also heaving my chest meant I could feel the pressure more, and all I wanted was to feel that pressure again.  I never wanted it to end.  For those that didn't know, Dolce's place with me was on my chest.  He would come lie down on my chest and sleep there or cuddle with me, and for him to be there when she was working on me was one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced.  He knew that was special to us, and put his energy there while she tried to assist in healing me and helping me.

When she finished working on me I felt lighter.  I'm still struggling with missing him but she made me realize that what Dolce wanted was for me to be happy for him, and he didn't understand why I wasn't. He thought I should feel no guilt or anything other than happiness.  Sandy told me that I deserve to be happy, and asked me if I understood that.  I told her I did, but in that moment I didn't.  I spent a couple moments thinking about it and I realized I should be happy and I do deserve happiness.  I need to stop feeling like being happy means I didn't care about Dolce or love him.  I love him so much I should be happy that he is whole again and fine.  

Today as Brett and I went out to pick up spray paint (we're creating a photo wall this weekend as a way to honor Dolce and our little family) I told him that I think I get it and understand my journey with Dolce.  He came to us broken, not just his body but his spirit...so broken.  We provided him with what he needed to get better, well as good as he could possibly get, so that he could function and live a semi-normal life.  But beyond that we healed Dolce's emotional wounds, and once they were healed he had no reason to stay on Earth.  Dolce was happy, he was able to give and accept love and most importantly he was always surrounded with comfort.  We completed his journey and he was ready to move on.  Sandy said I just have to remember that Dolce may not be physically with me, but he is always with me.  He will continue to be a teacher in my life and I will remember him for the rest of my life as being one of my oldest friends, because we have always been friends and always will.

So I'm bringing Dolce's blog to an end.  Of course if I ever feel him or feel he wants to communicate with me, or Sandy has something to share with me then I will share it.  But for now I think this blog is going to come to an end.  Thank you to everyone that has followed our journey.  It was a life changing experience for me and I know the year and a half that I spent with Dolce will always be one of the highlights of my life.  I am so lucky to have had him in my life and to take away his teachings.  He taught me about being calm, being patient, and loving a senior dog.  I have to admit that prior to having Dolce I had serious reservations about senior dogs and didn't feel comfortable with having one in my life.  I was scared.  Dolce made me realize that just because something isn't perfect or in the best shape does not mean that it can't be amazing.  If there is anything you can take away from Dolce's story, it is how easy love and compassion for a broken spirit can be.  For me, loving Dolce, taking care of him, cooking him food and sitting on the floor hand feeding him never felt like work.  The effort I gave made a world of difference for him.  Taking in a broken dog and providing for them will not only heal their soul, but it will heal yours as well.  We can create a change if we step up and help when we see a life in need.  Think about it.      

If you would like to view a complete album of Dolce, please check out my personal Facebook profile: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10100868315810119.2706119.16833855&type=3&l=3209bae6c4

A Journey Complete

Picture of Dolce last week.

I've been so preoccupied with life over the last 6 months I have allowed Dolce's blog to slip.  I apologize for that.  As most of you already know, my sweet Dolce passed away yesterday.  This morning I am struggling to just be okay.  I'm sure it will take a very long time to be okay with Dolce being gone.  But here is some information on Dolce and what the last 6 months have been like for him.

January: As my last post mentioned, we switched Dolce's food to Dr. Harvey's in Jan. and saw some real improvements in Dolce.  He really perked up and seemed to be better on his feet...he had some of his energy back.  We in fact kept Dolce on Dr. Harvey's food until the last week of his life, when he suddenly stopped eating.  But January was mostly a good month.

Cuddled with one of his many beloved blankets.

February: In February we took in a new temporary foster dog, we called him Lamb.  As usual Dolce immediately thought his job was to mount and mate with Lamb, except that Lamb was a male.  During our time with Lamb we introduced him to the exciting world of tennis ball fetch, which excited Dolce to all ends.  He loved to run as fast as he could after Lamb as Lamb chased the ball.  Dolce would growl and bark and raise all hell.  It was really fun to watch at first, but Dolce refused to accept his body's limitations and would just about kill himself trying to keep us with Lamb.  Eventually while we had Lamb (about 1 month) we were forced to leave Dolce inside the house, which I hated doing.  One of the hardest things I have ever had to watch was seeing a Dolce so full of life, spunk and energy and have his body fail him.  This will sound silly I'm sure, but out of all of the wishes I could have, I so wish I could have had Dolce earlier in his life.  To have been able to have him during his early years would have been so amazing.  I can only imagine what that little guy was like when his body was at top performance.  As I type that sentence I am both brought to tears but also a smile, he must have been amazing to watch during his younger years.

March: In hindsight March was the beginning of the end of my love story with Dolce.  Maybe brought on by his frequent chancing of Lamb, Dolce began to have trouble walking.  His back legs would come out from underneath him and for a few moments they just could not support him.  Watching him try to scoot across the floor or ground broke me...I would have done anything I could to make it better for him.  In April took Dolce to see Dr. Adams and were so happy to hear it was arthritis and that there could be a solution, Metacam.  Within days of administering him Metacam he was back on his feet and for the rest of his life his back legs held him up.  Also in March I started working from home.  I am SO glad that I did.  I spent hours bonding, cuddling and doting on Dolce.  He would come into the office and sleep on my lap while I worked.  I am so thankful for that time.  Midway through the month I got into grad school at the University of La Verne. As I started school on March 19th I began thinking that I could not juggle both work and school full-time...something would have to change.

April: Early on in April I quit my job.  April was probably the best month I had with Dolce.  No longer forced to work while at home, I was able to read books, watch movies and TV with Dolce always right next to me.  We began a ritual with him spending long periods of time each day on my lap comforted as I stroked his fur.  What I wouldn't do to be able to do that now.  Near the end of April Dolce was starting to catch on to me routine of staying up late to study.  It was annoying to Brett, but I secretly loved it that Dolce usually would refuse to go to sleep, as he preferred to lie on the floor near my seat as I read endless pages for my classes.  He always wanted to be with me...and I appreciated it...because I also always wanted to be with him.

My sweet boy begging to sit on the couch me. How could I resist? May 2012

May: During the month of May I completed my first term in graduate school and started a path towards a career in nonprofits with an internship.  This was a fairly busy month near the midpoint of May, and now I am so glad that I spent so much time in March, April and half of May with Dolce.

Taken a couple of weeks ago (June 2012)

June: Dolce was deteriorating and although I think Brett and I tried to pretend like it wasn't happening it was.  He was slowing down...but he had that wonderful spunk, take no bullshit attitude until the very end.

July: A short lived month in our story with Dolce.

Fresh from his last haircut as Brett and Dolce headed home.

I cannot believe he was with me yesterday morning and now he is gone.  Like I said in a previous post, I always worried about this day.  I apologize for being dramatic and being selfish, but my reasons for wanting him to stay were 100% about me.  What about me?  How do I go on without his energy and presence every day?  Of course I know I will go on....but in my heart I really question how I could possibly allow myself to move on without my Dolce.  I now understand what a parent must feel like when they lose a child and refuse to clean up their things or their room.  I cannot allow the house to be cleaned, to move Dolce's stroller, to vacuum...I'm clawing at any moment I can grasp on to...so not ready for time to move forward.  I think I'm just worried about his memory fading...I don't want to have to look at photos and videos to remember him...I don't want to have to remember him.  I want him to be here...now.  Gosh, I just had no idea how painful it would be to lose Dolce.

My favorite moments.

I'm sure there are a lot of people that would judge how intensely I am grieving Dolce, considering to most he was "just a dog."  For Brett and I, Dolce was our child.  When we got him we had to hand feed him through a feeding tube, clean him up as he frequently urinated on himself, we had to wipe his behind and constantly labor over him....it sure was a labor of love though.  Just last night Brett and I said, if we could do it all over again, spend all the money on him again, go through the roller coaster of highs and lows, we would do it without hesitation.  We created a bond with Dolce that I think only a parent could understand...he was a living, breathing example of our efforts and hard work.  The more we did for him the better he was.  And so in the end, to lose him so suddenly and to have no power over it is heartbreaking and one of the most painful events of my life.  We lost our baby.

Dolce and his best friend, Brownie.  

In closing this blog, I cannot believe how fast it went.  I am so glad I documented so much of Dolce's life!  I always knew our time would be short, so I took as many photos and videos as I could.  I wanted to give myself the opportunity to remember every nook and cranny of my Dolce...I didn't want to leave anything out.  I refused to allow time to fully take him away from me, so I kept my iPhone within my grasp at all times.

My all time favorite past-time...watching KU play during March Madness with Dolce asleep on my chest.  I'll never forget this moment and how happy I was in the moment.

The End