A Journey Complete

Picture of Dolce last week.

I've been so preoccupied with life over the last 6 months I have allowed Dolce's blog to slip.  I apologize for that.  As most of you already know, my sweet Dolce passed away yesterday.  This morning I am struggling to just be okay.  I'm sure it will take a very long time to be okay with Dolce being gone.  But here is some information on Dolce and what the last 6 months have been like for him.

January: As my last post mentioned, we switched Dolce's food to Dr. Harvey's in Jan. and saw some real improvements in Dolce.  He really perked up and seemed to be better on his feet...he had some of his energy back.  We in fact kept Dolce on Dr. Harvey's food until the last week of his life, when he suddenly stopped eating.  But January was mostly a good month.

Cuddled with one of his many beloved blankets.

February: In February we took in a new temporary foster dog, we called him Lamb.  As usual Dolce immediately thought his job was to mount and mate with Lamb, except that Lamb was a male.  During our time with Lamb we introduced him to the exciting world of tennis ball fetch, which excited Dolce to all ends.  He loved to run as fast as he could after Lamb as Lamb chased the ball.  Dolce would growl and bark and raise all hell.  It was really fun to watch at first, but Dolce refused to accept his body's limitations and would just about kill himself trying to keep us with Lamb.  Eventually while we had Lamb (about 1 month) we were forced to leave Dolce inside the house, which I hated doing.  One of the hardest things I have ever had to watch was seeing a Dolce so full of life, spunk and energy and have his body fail him.  This will sound silly I'm sure, but out of all of the wishes I could have, I so wish I could have had Dolce earlier in his life.  To have been able to have him during his early years would have been so amazing.  I can only imagine what that little guy was like when his body was at top performance.  As I type that sentence I am both brought to tears but also a smile, he must have been amazing to watch during his younger years.

March: In hindsight March was the beginning of the end of my love story with Dolce.  Maybe brought on by his frequent chancing of Lamb, Dolce began to have trouble walking.  His back legs would come out from underneath him and for a few moments they just could not support him.  Watching him try to scoot across the floor or ground broke me...I would have done anything I could to make it better for him.  In April took Dolce to see Dr. Adams and were so happy to hear it was arthritis and that there could be a solution, Metacam.  Within days of administering him Metacam he was back on his feet and for the rest of his life his back legs held him up.  Also in March I started working from home.  I am SO glad that I did.  I spent hours bonding, cuddling and doting on Dolce.  He would come into the office and sleep on my lap while I worked.  I am so thankful for that time.  Midway through the month I got into grad school at the University of La Verne. As I started school on March 19th I began thinking that I could not juggle both work and school full-time...something would have to change.

April: Early on in April I quit my job.  April was probably the best month I had with Dolce.  No longer forced to work while at home, I was able to read books, watch movies and TV with Dolce always right next to me.  We began a ritual with him spending long periods of time each day on my lap comforted as I stroked his fur.  What I wouldn't do to be able to do that now.  Near the end of April Dolce was starting to catch on to me routine of staying up late to study.  It was annoying to Brett, but I secretly loved it that Dolce usually would refuse to go to sleep, as he preferred to lie on the floor near my seat as I read endless pages for my classes.  He always wanted to be with me...and I appreciated it...because I also always wanted to be with him.

My sweet boy begging to sit on the couch me. How could I resist? May 2012

May: During the month of May I completed my first term in graduate school and started a path towards a career in nonprofits with an internship.  This was a fairly busy month near the midpoint of May, and now I am so glad that I spent so much time in March, April and half of May with Dolce.

Taken a couple of weeks ago (June 2012)

June: Dolce was deteriorating and although I think Brett and I tried to pretend like it wasn't happening it was.  He was slowing down...but he had that wonderful spunk, take no bullshit attitude until the very end.

July: A short lived month in our story with Dolce.

Fresh from his last haircut as Brett and Dolce headed home.

I cannot believe he was with me yesterday morning and now he is gone.  Like I said in a previous post, I always worried about this day.  I apologize for being dramatic and being selfish, but my reasons for wanting him to stay were 100% about me.  What about me?  How do I go on without his energy and presence every day?  Of course I know I will go on....but in my heart I really question how I could possibly allow myself to move on without my Dolce.  I now understand what a parent must feel like when they lose a child and refuse to clean up their things or their room.  I cannot allow the house to be cleaned, to move Dolce's stroller, to vacuum...I'm clawing at any moment I can grasp on to...so not ready for time to move forward.  I think I'm just worried about his memory fading...I don't want to have to look at photos and videos to remember him...I don't want to have to remember him.  I want him to be here...now.  Gosh, I just had no idea how painful it would be to lose Dolce.

My favorite moments.

I'm sure there are a lot of people that would judge how intensely I am grieving Dolce, considering to most he was "just a dog."  For Brett and I, Dolce was our child.  When we got him we had to hand feed him through a feeding tube, clean him up as he frequently urinated on himself, we had to wipe his behind and constantly labor over him....it sure was a labor of love though.  Just last night Brett and I said, if we could do it all over again, spend all the money on him again, go through the roller coaster of highs and lows, we would do it without hesitation.  We created a bond with Dolce that I think only a parent could understand...he was a living, breathing example of our efforts and hard work.  The more we did for him the better he was.  And so in the end, to lose him so suddenly and to have no power over it is heartbreaking and one of the most painful events of my life.  We lost our baby.

Dolce and his best friend, Brownie.  

In closing this blog, I cannot believe how fast it went.  I am so glad I documented so much of Dolce's life!  I always knew our time would be short, so I took as many photos and videos as I could.  I wanted to give myself the opportunity to remember every nook and cranny of my Dolce...I didn't want to leave anything out.  I refused to allow time to fully take him away from me, so I kept my iPhone within my grasp at all times.

My all time favorite past-time...watching KU play during March Madness with Dolce asleep on my chest.  I'll never forget this moment and how happy I was in the moment.

The End